Hello,
I'm talking to you, the person inside this sympathetic body of yours.
Deep inside, the feeling space you show to no one, even to yourself 'cause you deny it's there, but you know it's there cause it comes back every now and then from deep down to say hi !
What am I talking about ?
SHAME.
Did it frighten you to read it ? Did it make you uneasy ? Or not yet as it is way too suppressed ? Or maybe you need more time to acknowledge it.
Anyhow, I can assure you it's there inside all of us. Some are just better at hiding it, that's all.
It doesn't make them feel any better though and they will project it onto someone else, which is sad.
But if you feel a bit uneasy talking about shame, it's ok. It means you offered space to the feeling. And this one doesn't feel so good, I know...
Because as a child, this feeling was a consequence of some behavior or « unacceptable » part of ourselves. Labelled like this by the people around us, at that time : caregivers, siblings, family, friends, teachers, ... You suppress this part of you so we can love you.
So in order to be accepted by society, to be « loved », and not being alone, we did suppress parts of our real self, which is quite humiliating, so then came the SHAME.
And every time we felt it, we knew we had to change quickly and forget about this long-suppressed part of who we were... This pattern has been done for centuries and transmitted from generation to generation. So even mimicking the adults around us would naturally make us understand what is
« good » or « bad » (shameful).
And now, as adults, we got used to just doing it mechanically.
We feel shame and then, turn to another way, quick, without thinking ;
Let's forget the horrible feeling !
Without realizing that Shame has its very importance as any other feeling would. Shame could be the door to your understanding. Shame has a valuable message for you...
We are not children depending on adults to survive anymore. Now we do have alternative choices than suppressing ourselves and feeling shame.
So please stop for a moment, breathe and observe the feeling... What does it tell you ? Let's remember the juicy moment we feel ashamed of ... ;)
What if shame was a portal to yourself ? In finding your missing pieces ?
Instead of trying to fill a void by thoughts and distractions, we could just observe the void and ask why it is so ? And maybe there's a bigger answer for the collective here...
Maybe, you pressed a button, by being authentically you, spontaneous, you triggered someone. Is it your fault ? No.
Well they didn't know how to react, it's new, it's a subject we don't usually touch, we've been taught not to touch it, and you arrive and you shout it out, publicly ? Shame on you ! They felt bad, they started to judge the situation and pour their uneasy feelings on you. You're the reason those feelings emerged ! You're shameful. Out of here ! Or maybe they didn't even say anything but they don't invite you anymore, or you see they act differently with you...
So now, there's the part where you have to make the choice :
1 . Do I embrace the Shame, the guilt they put on me for making them feel bad, and in doing so, you become ashamed of being YOU, in order to be accepted by others, Mea Culpa ! But then, as you're alone with your thoughts, you try to forget this vivid event as quickly as you can every time it pops-up into your conscious mind and put it back to the unconscious, buried deep down, until the next time...
Or
2. You actually pause and breathe with the shame. Let's OBSERVE it...As any feeling, it must have it's value to be here... No feeling is bad. Actually feelings are a fantastic indicator to show how satisfying our life is or isn't and so we can make choices to evolve ; this only if we allow the space for these feelings to be felt.
So let's come back to the « shameful » event :
You're just you and if something you did or said felt bad, they should say and a dialogue could emerge. But what if there's no dialogue to be had ? Well, there must be some uneasiness around this whole business.
If you actually stop for more than 5 minutes to feel it, accept the uneasiness of the shame, allow SPACE for it, then you start realizing how actually you became the SCAPEGOAT for a society full of uneasy feelings !
You start seeing the REAL role you had : you acted as a CATALYST which created a reaction.
You might have done something wrong, or in a way that wasn't ideal, ok, or maybe not even so, just your way of living your life may have triggered people. Ok, but if we eventually did something wrong, we can accept our part with humility and accountability. For the rest, shame has no place in our being. Shame is a relationship with many people YOU + SOCIETY. So why embody all the wrong of it yourself ?
This relationship, this Shame only works if you accept the feelings they are unwilling to face.
What you did is one thing ; it might have triggered some feelings in them.
Their uneasiness has nothing to do with you. Their non-acceptance of their feelings, reflected on you, has nothing to do with you. That's their cowardly way to escape their own feelings of shame.
Why do you accept their painful feelings as yours so easily ? Why take the burden of embodying their shame ?
Because as a child, you've been obliged to do it in order to survive in society but now, you're not powerless anymore, nor a victim.
Now you can be yourself and it starts with choosing the society you surround yourself with.
Now you protect your energy especially as you know you have a tendency to take the blame so others would feel better.
Everyone must assume their capacity to be accountable for their own life and feelings.
Some people project but they only exist because some others let them project onto them.
In other words : Some people never accept responsibility, they always find others responsible for their feelings. Some others always take the blame and feel guilty even when they are not. Some do both...
These two kinds of people attract each other and exist because of each other. They waltz within their own steps. Only they, unconsciously, know their shameful dance. Unconsciously because it has been deeply suppressed in their brain when they were little, they now do it mechanically. And they waltz, and waltz, taking the blame and rejecting it unto one another ; feeling shame and deflecting it... and waltz...
But... Let's stop for a moment. LET'S DARE TO FEEL THE FEELING and open the door to the understanding it conveys.
Thank you for your strength. In doing so you make the world a better place.
WE ARE ONE ONE LOVE
CeliA Soto
If you want to go deeper in the subject feel free to watch Teal Swan's video about Shame and many more other subjects you really need to see... Amazing insights like,
.
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